It has taken a couple of weeks for me to write again and this mainly down to content, whether or not to express my views and basically too many emotions having an epic lightsabre battle inside me to write constructively! I think that I’m now at the stage whereby I can express in a positive and constructive way, having removed the emotions to a certain extent.
Being a separated parent, I am conscious that my actions, responses and everything to do with communication regarding my son, impacts him. His future will be moulded by his parents’ ability or, in this case, inability to demonstrate a healthy relationship when it comes to him. The fighting, the bickering, the upset, the anxiety, the anger, the frustration, the resentment, are all emotions that could potentially damage this child for life. On occasions, I find it an emotionally exhausting battle to maintain a positive, healthy and flexible attitude…..when will it end? When will I be able to be reassured that we are both focussed on the same outcome; our son? When will I be able to relax and really enjoy my sons disjointed time with me? When will I look back on this and know that every tear, panic attack and court case was worth it? When will I finally take faith, in knowing that I am a good mother and there isn’t anything that anyone can throw at me that will change that?
The day arrived recently where I, unexpectedly, ended up in the court arena with no legal representation, facing my Kryptonite! This entry isn’t about my experience, the feeling of failure or indeed the fact that this separation in in its 7th year and yet still, I find myself caught up in the courts arguing over the most petty of reasons. This entry, for me is more profound and about what else happened that week and what helped me realise a few things.
I know everyone that has experienced separation with children involved, all have their issues and I do not want to emphasise mine over theirs. I also know that there are many people suffering in the world, or people that have lost loved ones and had their families ripped apart by that loss. However, this is my experience and the only one I can write about, with the hope that if anyone comes across it that may be in a similar situation, can take strength from it or just know that sometimes, it takes something bad to happen for something good to reveal itself.
Upon finding out my need to attend court and completing the relevant forms, I received a phonecall asking about a friend and if I had ‘heard anything’? That moment when you brain registers everything you may have seen on any social media news feeds, consciously or subconsciously, with a resounding ‘No’ continuing the conversation. My next action was to then check his page, which included two entries that confirmed the reason for the call. He was gone……37 years of age, 3 children under the age of 8, 19 years and 363 days of marriage, 1 life changing split second, that changed the course of that day completely.
Now, I am not writing as the closest friend of the family, or someone who had seen him for the past 8/9 weeks or did we even phone to chat aimlessly. We had the sort of friendship that if either of us needed anything, we would contact each other. Normally on my part would be to launch something electronic through a brick wall that I struggled to repair or even use. But regardless, this man was the epitome of life (in my eyes) he was the sunshine breaking through the mist of dawn, he was the twinkle of the stars at night. His attitude and flamboyant exuberance was infectious and no matter what mood you were in, you couldn’t help but laugh in his presence (with him or at him was a different matter). He was a devoted father who adored his children and loved his wife dearly.
Now I suppose, I should really get to the point of all of this, otherwise I would end up typing away forever! For me, finding out this at this particular time shook my world, as it did everyone that knew him and his family more so. My emotions had been focussed that day on destructive emotions driven by anger and fear. By this friend passing, it made me realise that life is the one thing that you can’t control and can be taken from anyone of us, at anytime. No matter what situation we are in, no matter what we are experiencing, no matter what we have on our great long list of things that we will do before ‘that’ time comes….death does not discriminate, it does not waste time in stealing loved ones from us. Before we know it, the unthinkable has walked through our lives leaving a big black hole of emptiness in its path.
So when I mentioned earlier, something good revealing itself, you may or may not agree with me that my something good was that this loss and this realisation, helped me to remove the focus of anger and fear. It helped me to realise (not that I didn’t already) that if I believe that things can be better for my son; they can be, that I can be better for my son, that if my time came before anyone expected, that I did my best! That the areas that I could improve on for my son, I would. Whatever it takes to make a difference, I will. And whilst the rest of the world spins around us and we have no time to appreciate what we have, I will be sat here, having a cuddle with my son, whilst smiling at the memories of a man that was taken too soon, grateful to him for both being part of my life and also in passing, giving me a monumental kick up the backside!
Take time to appreciate those that you love, that love you, be grateful for them being in your life AND love yourself! Life is full of twists, turns and challenges that sometimes, we think that we can’t face; but we can and we will. Be strong, take time to heal and always focus on the future, the past is behind you and whilst you can take learning from it you can never change it. Most importantly, our children are our future, let us make a difference….for them!
RIP Mr C, gone but never forgotten! God bless your family and children xxx
Once A Mum ...... 